Southern Discomfort: A Guide to Dating in the South

First, write a list of the positives. My list contains things like this: Southern men open doors for me. Southern men volunteer to carry heavy bags and walk me to my car after dark. The words Nice to see you again sound especially sexy in a North Carolina drawl. Southern men, unlike California men, tend not to cry while hitting on ladies they like. You get the idea.

After you have written your list, attach it with a magnet to your refrigerator. You'll want to refer to it immediately when you return from your latest failed date or scouting mission. It will not provide much solace, it's true. However, the fact that you have written such an optimistic list suggests that you are a mature person, which grants you the right to call your friends in other less southern areas of the country and reenact your underwhelming evening in a one-woman show. I have a matinee performance slotted for New Mexico tomorrow. (Get ready, Vera.)

Based on my experience, I've compiled a list of tips for surviving dating in the South.

* Practice in the mirror a variety of neutral facial expressions you can whip out to cover your horror when your southern gentleman says things like:

"I only watch Fox News."
"Obama is a socialist Muslim."
"Do you feel safe where you live?" (translation: I notice you don't live in an all-white neighborhood.)

* Be aware that your potential southern soul mate might find the following things offensive and or threatening:

yoga (because of the Devil)
 MSNBC & The New York Times (because of the Devil)
your interest in sex (because of the Devil)

* Remember, it isn't enough to impress him only. You've also got to win over Jesus. In other words, don't offer to give him a tarot card reading or wish him a happy Equinox. Turns out Jesus isn't as unconditionally loving as he was back in your bible school days. Yikes!

* Don't disrespect the barbecue. Just don't do it. (But if you truly dislike pulled pork as I do, just tell him you ate at church.)

* Just let him think those ginormous roaches are "water bugs." You can't win this argument. (But I looked this up online. They are roaches.)

Well, that's all I have for today, but summer just started. Hopefully, by the end of June I will have sucked down enough mint juleps to have absorbed some additional bits of wisdom. Or maybe not. Whatever. I am reading Mark Twain and enjoying the smell of honeysuckle. Perhaps that is enough. Or maybe I will go out again tonight. Later, y'all.