I'll just go ahead and tell you. You'll find out anyway when I accept my sparkly statue at some televised awards show where I'll be stuck sitting between Kid Rock and William Hung. I'm trying to make a deal with The Man. To sell out, preferably to the highest bidder. We're talking syndicated column. There have been lunches. There have have been half-caff au laits and a few hallelujahs. There have been tentative offers, but not without a few catches. The main one being that I need to find a way to tone down the snippiness just a bit. Maybe stop mocking religion. (Calling the Pope a drag queen did not go over well anywhere outside of my gender studies class. For the record, Margaret Cho said it first.) They asked me to consider limiting the use of certain words -- words like dickhead and panty wad. (There goes the recap of my summer fling.) So, what I am saying is that I need to find a way to pay for my hair conditioner once and for all. In all likelihood I will be published in a respectable paper near you, provided I can become a kinder, gentler Kerry. A Ker-Bear who maintains the mockery, but stops just short of endorsing workplace killing sprees. So, this is my experiment in toning down my Tourette's. You be the judge.
So, this morning I was thinking about my Grandma and the Lord. No, for real. My Grandma Grace used to read a tiny paperback book about Jesus every morning while she smoked her cigarette and drank her Folger's instant coffee. Sometimes she would read the lesson of the day to me. It was my first exposure to the self-help/spiritual genre. Jesus was all positive, of course, so what could you do but remind yourself how lucky you were because you were, for sure, going to Heaven? Even if you stole your sister's Sugar Babies, all you had to do was say out loud, "Forgive me, Jesus." Done. Hellfire averted. Jesus was awesome. I just wish he didn't resemble all the guys who stalk Whole Foods forcing people to sign their petitions. Seriously, they will tase you if you say no. And you do not want to die in the Whole Foods parking lot. Those people will eat your skin off like cats.
I found the Bible quotes boring because I didn't understand words like anoint and lo. Still, now that I am supposedly a grown up I find myself praying every morning. Doing yoga and invoking the Divine before school makes me feel fabulous. Like I totally understand that song Dust in the Wind. Like some of humanity might actually be worth saving (as long as I get to pick who.) I drink my coffee and breathe in the beauty that is a caffeine buzz. Is it just me or does the Lord feel just like a whole lotta latte? I decide that I can have both a bad attitude and a heart that loves. In fact, I'm feeling so inspired that I suspect that I can string a series of sentences together without swearing, over-sharing or hate criming anybody. In short, I am sanctified and renewed with a purpose. In fact, I'm writing a new book. It's called The Power of Not Right Now, and I'm going to get to it, but just a little later.
So, this morning I was thinking about my Grandma and the Lord. No, for real. My Grandma Grace used to read a tiny paperback book about Jesus every morning while she smoked her cigarette and drank her Folger's instant coffee. Sometimes she would read the lesson of the day to me. It was my first exposure to the self-help/spiritual genre. Jesus was all positive, of course, so what could you do but remind yourself how lucky you were because you were, for sure, going to Heaven? Even if you stole your sister's Sugar Babies, all you had to do was say out loud, "Forgive me, Jesus." Done. Hellfire averted. Jesus was awesome. I just wish he didn't resemble all the guys who stalk Whole Foods forcing people to sign their petitions. Seriously, they will tase you if you say no. And you do not want to die in the Whole Foods parking lot. Those people will eat your skin off like cats.
I found the Bible quotes boring because I didn't understand words like anoint and lo. Still, now that I am supposedly a grown up I find myself praying every morning. Doing yoga and invoking the Divine before school makes me feel fabulous. Like I totally understand that song Dust in the Wind. Like some of humanity might actually be worth saving (as long as I get to pick who.) I drink my coffee and breathe in the beauty that is a caffeine buzz. Is it just me or does the Lord feel just like a whole lotta latte? I decide that I can have both a bad attitude and a heart that loves. In fact, I'm feeling so inspired that I suspect that I can string a series of sentences together without swearing, over-sharing or hate criming anybody. In short, I am sanctified and renewed with a purpose. In fact, I'm writing a new book. It's called The Power of Not Right Now, and I'm going to get to it, but just a little later.
