Supermarket Superfriends

Has anyone else noticed how solicitous cashiers have become? When did acceptably friendly morph into in-your-face friendy? I first noticed the trend at Trader Joe's. The bearded androgeny who took my money congratulated me on my purchase of Trader Giotto's pesto. "This stuff is excellent," he said, holding up my pesto with an approving smile. The guy seemed pleased, no, psyched that I too had discovered the pleasures of discount pesto. He went so far as to assure me that the pesto will last well beyond the expiration date. He knew, he said, because he'd carried some in the bottom of his backpack for two weeks while hiking through Yosemite. The verdict? "Still totally rad." Groovy. I told myself the guy was high and let the whole thing go. (Note: Trader Giotto's pesto is actually somewhat sucky. Not enough flavor in the savor. Its main appeal is cheapness (and a hyperextended shelf life, apparently.) Be prepared to add more cheese or salt, no matter what the cashier says.)

My next superfriend cashier was a multi-pierced halfling who tried to bond with me over my Snap Pea Crisps, assuring me of the wisdom of my purchase. Her huge I'm-so-excited-for-you smile made me a bit uncomfortable. I mean, what did she care? It was like she was one of my better friends telling me that, absolutely, I can still get away with wearing a thong. Am I alone in believing that the purpose of cashiers is to scan my items wordlessly, acting as if they have no idea what tampons are actually used for? Don't ask don't tell is my preferred customer policy.

What if I'd gotten a pregnancy test? Or an anti-lice shampoo? Am I paranoid to think that my cashier might be required to offer up a product-endorsing comment? One that encourages my loyalty to the store for life because the cashiers are my friends? And I am positive that the feigned friendship is actually a job requirement. Unless they're ordered to people generally don't give a crap about other people's groceries. Do they? Or am I totally out of the loop on this one too?

I guess the point of my snip is not that I am against friendly cashiers. God knows I enjoy it when the bag boys fight over who gets to put the bananas into my bag. Or when they naughtily ask me if I am sure that I've found everything that I was looking for. And when I cannot locate the Virgin of Guadalupe seven-day candles, I am damn glad when one of the employees points me down the correct aisle. That's the kind of interaction that can actually lead to a sincere conversation. Cashier:"So, you a Catholic or somethin?" Me: "No, I'm a pagan love goddess." Cashier: "Oh, cool...." End of discussion. All is well, a sense of community occured for a second and no one's been forced to do the hokey pokey over my Pop Tarts.