I Didn't Mean to Turn You on

According to some, you know you've made it when Saturday Night Live mocks you in a skit. According to others, it's when Bill O'Reilly publicly chastises you on the Fox network. My preference would be a guest spot on Conan O'Brien or a column in Bust magazine. However, as fate would have it, my place in the sun seems to have come from the most unlikely of sources--porn seekers. That's right, I'm a bad, bad blogger girl in desperate need of a spanking. Or so it may seem, as I recently discovered that all roads on the Internet do, in fact, lead to porn.

Seems a while back I referred to a T-shirt which read: Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful; Hate Me Because I Have Big Tits. Hardee har har. Unbeknownst to me, the statement "I have big tits" is quite a popular sentence to search by. In fact, that particular statement has lead more people to my blog than any other statement that I've made. People from as far away as Santiago, Chile and the Netherlands have been dropping by my blog and then just as quickly dropping off. Um, sorry, I didn't mean to turn you on.

I've unintentionally attracted an audience that likely consists of a diverse group of guys who may have in common only one thing -- a predilection toward massive mammaries. And now that I've gotten their attention, I'm just going to pretend that they've found themselves so intrigued by my snippiness that they are actually still reading this! And that could actually happen since I have promised porn in more than one of my posts. So, the following is directed to them:

Hey, guys! Glad you're still paying attention despite the fact that by now you've realized that I don't have any intention of getting you off. I can refer you, however, to some of the sites that one of my old boyfriends downloaded onto my computer, which caused me to receive titty-related advertisements for months. Here they are: The Anal Gallery (Isn't it interesting that straight guys seem to want nothing more than to do it gay style?) If it's Chinese Chick Salad you're craving, why not wank over to Asian Frenzy? While I cannot vouch for the material, I'm willing to bet it's both racist and degrading to women. And what really could be better than that? I'll tell you. It's Teenage Runaway Sluts! Fourteen year-old Brandie needs a place to stay. And guess what? She's young; she's beautiful, and she lost her gag reflex in the sixth grade. Pull up a roll of toilet paper and get to work already!(Definitely ignore the tiny voice inside asking you why screwing a child turns you on so much.)

I sincerely hope that I've helped my soon-to-be-loyal male following. I mean, it's the least I can do after I accidentally interrupted your quest for porn. And hey, if you ever decide you want to transcend the cliche known as lay-there-and-take-it-bitch, there are a lot of women who can teach you a thing or two. Things you don't even know you need to know. Five minutes of worship at the altar of the divine feminine is time well spent, is all I am saying. But what do I know? Even the toxic mimic of the goddess can get you off. And eating Spam can fill your belly.