Food that is Way Better Back East

Us east coast transplants have been bitching for years about some of the whack crap that passes for food and culture out here in Calley-for-nigh-ay. While the eastern seaboard, New England and the mid-Atlantic states have their own set of problems (men with scarily-big necks, the predominance of iceberg lettuce and the horror of temperatures in the teens), California has gotten it way wrong on a few things I've decided to list. When I have found an appropriate solution, I have listed this as well.

The first thing should be pretty obvious: The reason we east coasters, especially of the Philly-NYC variety are ALWAYS saying that New York pizza is the best is because it is. I don't know what kind of mattress with pizza sauce and soy cheese psychosis has spawned what I can only call EasyBake-Oven quality cuisine. But, holy Mother of God, the pizza out here sucks! California, there is nothing you can do about it, so just deal with it and move on to what you do so well -- mescalin salad mix and avocadoes.

The best pizza I have had out here has been Mombo's Pizza in Santa Rosa on Mendocino Ave. (Not the one in Sebastopol. Sorry, too many hippies spoil the sauce.) The owner of Mombo's is from New York. (Nuff said.) Second runner up would be Mary's, but don't get too excited because in New York it would be crap pizza.

Another sucky food item out here is hummus. What in the hell do you call that pasty, sun-bleached looking half pint of crust? Christ, considering that Californians consider olive oil to be one of the major food groups, you'd think one of you could spare a little in your hummus. (And I will not even discuss tabouli, except to say that sometimes the Moosewood-era hippies should leave well enough alone. I think we'd all like to forget Bulgur Brownies.)

But I only bring it up because last night I ate the best hummus I've had in twelve years. No, I didn't stumble across a fabulous, but unknown Greek eatery as I was still shopping for non-crap pizza. I found Mediterranean, Creamy Style Hummus from Trader Joe's! And creamy style it is, with olive oil on top (okay, maybe it was canola) and pine nuts -- just like a real Mediterranean (read: east coast) cook would prepare it. Note: I am aware that Berkeley and San Francisco probably have pitaloads of excellent hummus, but I'm writing this from medical marijuana territory -- people here bring Clif Bars to potlucks.

Bagels? Fuh-gettaboutit! Bagels schmagels. Not worth my schmear.
Well, I've got to go now because I have to eat my lunch -- water and Snapea Crisps (taste like fluffy green potato chips.) Stay tuned for more things I need to complain about.